Backwards Steps

Or...How am I Spending the Time?

I've written before about some of my mental health issues, and today I want to touch on them a little bit more, specifically what they're doing in relation to my plan to buy and live in an RV. Strap in, this is going to be one of those personal blogs.



Like I've said before, I'm prone to saying Fuck It, I Give Up when I'm facing a difficult task. If I HAVE to accomplish something, I can, and will, but when I'm electing to do something difficult, it only takes so much challenge before I resign to going back to whatever it was that I was doing before making the choice to try something new. Today, I've had to fight to stay on course.

It's an interesting state of being, when a good thing feels bad. I've found myself in a mindset lately, whenever I have to spend money, of feeling like I've set myself back. I've lost progress. Even, during taking care of necessary things like buying food, or cat litter, or paying bills and rent, I've found myself feeling like I'm losing ground in the process to buy the RV. This is a good mindset to have, I'm told, because it will encourage me to save money instead of spending it on useless things, as I'm also prone to doing.

But then why does it feel so bad? Instead of feeling like I have a good mindset for getting my RV, it feels like I'm failing to do anything, to make any forward progress. The problem, it seems, with having a long term plan, is coming to grips with the waiting. I don't like to wait.

A conversation with a dear friend helped me put things back into a proper perspective. I feel discouraged, because of the slow nature of the progress I've been making. The money will come, one way or another, and I will take that huge first step, I'll just have to get used to the waiting. In the meantime, I have other things I can focus on. Progress I can make, and progress I have made.

I need to remember always what I've done so far. I've made the decision to do this ridiculous thing in the first place, and I've put entities in place to not let me back out of that decision, no matter how hard it gets (this blog being only one). I've made serious efforts towards collecting and saving the money to buy the RV (the Indiegogo campaign, a personal savings account, a side business crafting jewelry that I'll write about another time, even the Tinderbox Sideshow bank account will be making a contribution). I've made plans to place my cat that won't be coming with me (and a contingency for one that might). I've started clearing out and getting rid of some of my possessions that won't be needed (and that I won't need in the meantime). I am moving forward, even if the going has been painfully slow.

I think what frustrates me most frustrating aspect is the closeness. I've given myself a series of deadlines to accomplish this life change, and I've made them, some would say, unrealistically harsh, to light a fire under me to get them done. The first of them is coming, and quickly, and I will be ready for it, but I'm not yet, and I feel like I should be closer that I am. Realistically, I'm right where I should be. I'll be closer tomorrow, and closer yet every time someone puts a dollar into the Indiegogo collection tin.

This was never going to be easy, I should really stop expecting it to be.

-Z

P.S. There will be some interesting updates to the Indiegogo campaign over the weekend, keep your eyes peeled.